i dont know how to tell you

i love you alot...
but your not what I'm looking for...
i love the companionship we have...
but theres so much more that i want...
and theres so much more that i need...

i think i jumped into a relationship with you..
because i wanted to see what it would be like...
to be with someone like you...

i miss the guy that i was with before you...
but, i dont miss the way he treated me...
they all tell me "stay with him, hes treated you the best"...
but i honestly dont think i can...

im 50% for leaving you...
but 50% for staying with you...
i mostly wanna leave you out of guilt...
but i wanna stay with you out of love...
im so confussed...
i dont really know how to tell you

folsom prison blues<3

I hear the train a comin'; it's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when.
I'm stuck at Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on.
But that train keeps rollin' on down to San Antone.
When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns."
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
When I hear that whistle blowin' I hang my head and cry.

I bet there's rich folk eatin' in a fancy dining car.
They're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a movin', and that's what tortures me.
Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move on over a little farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison, that's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away

-Johnny Cash-

new hope :')

so i talked to my guidance counselor today,
se informed me that im gonna pass 3 out of the
4 of my classes this semester,
which makes me feel a hell of alot better :)

and i got my schedule for next sememster,
i have america in crisis 1st block,
advanced health 2nd block,
algebra 1 3rd block,
and creative writing 4th<3333

all easy classes
once im passing all my classes,
i can start online courses,
and do night school courses to make up for
the classes i failed.

i think my luck is changing with graduation<3

letting go?

its 9:24am in good ol' Laconia,NH.
im suppose to be in gym but i have a 93 in their
i dont think missing one class is going to matter

my best friends grandmother died yesterday morning,
it brought back such horrible memories,

i was thinking about the day my mom died,
i had stayed home from school the day before on a friday,
my grandfaher woke me up around 10ish that morning,
i looked at him,
he had tears in his eyes,
i asked "what happened"?
he replied "i have some bad news"
i asked "what'?
and he said the words that i had been dreading to hear my whole life,
"moms in heaven"....
i couldnt believe my ears,
i asked "WHAT'?!?!
he said "mom died"
i put my huggy pillow over my face and tears spilled out of my eyes like water.

that day my uncle took my brother Ulyssys, my cousin Gavin, and i out on his boat,
all i could think about was my mom,
i had cried that whole morning,
that whole night as well,
i just couldnt understand why she left me,
while i was still so young and needed her the most,

i kept thinking "was she scared when it happened"?
the whole rest of the week is such a blur now,
the day of my moms funeral wasnt bad in the beginning,
until my father, brother, me, and the rest of her side of the family were in the pues,
my father leaned over over and told me to tell god that we need help,
after that point the tears were like a waterfall.

when we got homei got two cards from my classmates,
they all signed it and told me how sorry they were,
i cant believe its been almost 5 years now.....

nightmare or dream?

i had a dream last night, that i graduated high school, it was so beautiful, i had a certain glow coming off me, me in my white cap and gown, my grandparents were crying because they were so proud, there was picture taking, my brother was so proud of me, i even looked up into the sky and saw my mother smiling upon me, like a ray of sunshine, it was finally my turn to be recognized for a major accomplishment

then i woke up....

kind of a blank feeling

bored.tired.sick.dead?

to the girl that i called Butterfly...

she was grace,
in name and in esscence,
everything id ever wanted in a girl,
was all wrapped up in her,
when i first met her i thought,
"where have you been all my life"?
i eventually asked her to be mine,
to my surprise,
she said yes =),
i was ecstatic of course,
for about a week or so,
she would fall asleep right next to me,
i'd wake up everymorning to her glowing green eyes :),
until the day came,
when she decided to move in with a mutual friend,
i was devistated,
but i knew id see her at school everyday,
which made me feel kind of better,
i started to notice that she wasnt happy with her living arrangements,
i told her she never had to leave and more than welcomed her back into my home,
she said no...

now my beautiful buttterfly,
has spread her delecate broken wings,
and flown away from me (2,000 miles to be exact),
she is still mine,
but little does she know that when she went back to washington,
along with her she took my heart.
i love&&miss her terriby :'(
Audriana<3's Natasha (Tosh:')

new beginnings

well this vacation was different...

christmas was very sad (to an extent)

a year ago joe was over my grandfathers house on christmas. we sent a picture of us to caitlin fantazzi. the day after christmas joe got my name tattooed on his neck. the day after that we drove down to mass to see my friends. he managed to ruin that for me as well.

i remember two years ago new years eve

me and my older brother ulyssys were at johns house, drinking and having a good time

a year ago i was in the arms of joe

this year i was falling asleep with brian right next too me, we kissed at mid-night<3

this is lauren writing now, audi loved joe with all her heart, and she didnt wanna walk out of that relationship with him thinking that she didnt love him, or she never tried, but in the end she couldnt handle everything that was coming down on her, joe breaking out windows, joe making her lie to the police in order to keep himself out of jail, it just got to be a huge burden that was finally lifted when she broke up with him the night before halloween, on nov,6th 09 brian finally started talking to her. brians a much better guy for her all around, he doesnt yell at her when she wants to hang out with her friends, or start world war 3 if she even looks at another guy.

in the end, we were all very happy that audi was done with joe... she deserves better