Dreams

the truth is...
we still dont know what they are,
or where they come from

finally...

i've made up my mind, im going in to the army.
im going in for nursing. i honestly can't wait! :)
i have to go to basic training in texas for 8 weeks over the
summer after i graduate...
im soooo pumped!!!!

Too... her

there's this girl i once knew...
I'm not gonna say her name but
i think she'll know its her I'm taking about..

she was so cool when i first started talking to her. i didn't really like her at first but, as i got to know her, i found out that she was pretty ballin =). I'd talk to her for the longest time. about the most random things. ha ha i remember once we had a texting battle over which town sucked more, mine or hers. she told me a very huge secret once, which i always keep secrets that friends tell me. she also told me that she felt like i was one of the few people she could trust. i thought she was so perfect. with her blue eyes and blonde hair... which was another reason i liked her... i envyed her blue eyes<3.> and did something I'll always regret.. i left her i wicked fucked up comment on a picture of hers on myspace. i swear i will regret that for the rest of my life. needless to say she was pretty pissed. she hated me afterwards... not a day goes by that i don't miss her. so too you...

if you gave me another chance...
i would crawl on my belly through hot
coals and broken Glass just to prove to you
how much you meant to me...
i miss you :(

miss you:'(

i wrote this for him after he died... was gonna leave it on his hollywood star, when i went to his wake, but id rather do this.

Dear Michael,
goodness what i would say to you if you were alive. first of all i love you, have since i was around 3 or 4. i remember trying to dance like you when i first saw thriller with my mommy. you've probably met her by now. shes up there in heaven as well. i feel so bad for your babies. prince, paris, and blanket. my brother and i were the same age as paris and prince when our mom died. i know everything they're feeling. i remember when i met you in florida when i was 8. when i saw you coming out of that hotel i couldn't believe my eyes. thank god i was right up the street from my house or my momma woulda got worried. i walked up behind you and said (well just about screamed) "hey MJ!" you turned around, bent down to my height and looked at me through those infamous aviators and said "hey cutie" :'). the day i found out you died i was taking a nap at my ex boyfriend joeys house. i slept from 2 until about 9pm. when i got home mybrother told me you died. i said no farah fawcett died. he changed the channel to the news and i saw it was true. i cried that whole night and for the entire week after. i couldn't believe you went so fast. well idk what else to write except i love&&miss you so f***ing much!
R.I.P MJ :'(

Whats left of my family

my family is off-balance... its the three of us. My father, my older brother ulyssys, and i. my mother passed away when i was 11, my brother was 12. the best way to describe us is separated. my brother lives in his room, my father in his, and me in mine, occasionally we'll be together in the kitchen or living room. here's my attempt at letting off some steam

my dad is my least favorite. he never likes things to happen. at the moment hes almost two weeks away from turning 52. he was born in Mexico. so i guess he believes that woman are slaves that do all the work and boys are princes. whenever my brother needed something.. scratch that.. wanted something.. my dad would get it for him. "dad i need a new pair of shoes", "dad i need a new pair of shorts", "dad i need a new pair of pants", and the list goes on. but when i need something.. like truly need it.. he freaks. its like, "hey dad, we're in an extremely tight money situation but of course your precious baby boy gets everything he wants". don't get me wrong i love my dad and all. but ulyssys always comes first. never me. like when ulyssys gets a new girlfriend. my dad could careless, but when i bring home a guy, its horrible. for instance i dumped Brian Bozek over February vacation, and started dating Alec Hein. he went mental. "YOUR NOT WITH BRIAN ANYMORE"?!?!?, "NOW THIS FUCKING LOSER IS YOUR BOYFRIEND"?!?!, i couldn't believe how blind he was. NEWS FLASH DADDY!:Brian never came over to see me anymore, Brian never texted me anymore, it was only the occasional "hey" in the hallway, and that was it. who's there everyday hanging out with me so i don't have to be alone? Alec!, who's always there when i need someone to cry on or talk to? Alec!. he says he wants me to be happy but when i find something that makes me the most happiest, he has to find the most fault with it. i guess that's why he didn't talk to me for a week. that really fucking mature of you. not talk to your daughter for a fucking week because shes finally happy.....

my mom was always my favorite. i guess its because every childhood memory i have, i can remember my dad screaming at her, or me, or occasionally ulyssys. granted she was a heroine addict. but she was still my mommy. when i was younger i couldnt really relate to my dad because he was always working nights and slept all day. so it was always me and my mommy. i don't really know why my mom was so important to me. maybe because she died right about the time when i was gonna need her the most.

my brother Ulyssys, o jesus, where to start with that kid? all i can say is it must be nice to be him. he always wins whatever fight were in. me and him have been to hell and back with the family. we've been bounced from Brockton,Mass (our original home from the day we were born until i was 8 and he was 9) to Port Charlotte, Florida for two years. which i loved. it was always warm year round, i had an in ground swimming pool, and best of all, i had the easiest time with school. when i was 10 and ulyssys was 11, we moved up to New Hampshire. i was so happy to be back up north. i thought "im home again"!, now that i think about it, i wanna go back to florida. ulyssys and i have been up here since. he's gonna be 18 in august and he's graduating in June. he works a a computer store right next to Laconia High School. but he's never really happy. i cant figure out why. i think it's because he feels some sort of feeling for my mom's death. sadnesss yes, but theres something else i cant quite put my finger on.

i love my family sometimes... when everythings going smoothly. but when somthing happens... we all separate...