the last thing i wanna do, is jinx my happiness by bragging about it.
Thank you and goodnight :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Everything has beauty
Everything has beauty. but not everyone sees it. the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Her lips have been chapped constantly, they've bled and hurt her so, and her heart's been broken more than once, yet she chooses to always love again. she's been told it a thousand times, but doesn't believe the ones who say it, all she wants is to look in the mirror and see it herself, that she's BEAUTIFUL. i believe beauty arises from the spirit. beauty of whatever kind, in it's supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears. beauty is an experience, nothing else. it is not a fixed pattern or an arrangement of features. it is something felt, a glow or a communicated sense of fineness. what ails us is that out sense of beauty is so bruised and blunted, we miss all the best. beauty can be found even in the most simplest places. beauty is fragile and temporary. a life built on beauty alone will disappear. as quickly as a home built of ice when the summer is coming. if you allow your life to be lived all the while unnoticing the beauty in which it is surrounded, then i must ask you... what on earth are you living for?
Friday, December 3, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Likes.
4:57 am boredom.
-lighting storms
-piercings
-glow sticks
-cigarettes
-ipods
-eyeliner
-rubber bracelets
-rainbow stuff
-hugs
-cute underwear
-randomness
-love
-cuddling
-dancing like no oe is watching
-making out
-gay pride
-safety pins
-concerts
-red roses
-pj pants
-taking pictures
-bright colors
-sharpies
-true friends
-gummy worms
-green slushies
-iced mochas
-lighting storms
-piercings
-glow sticks
-cigarettes
-ipods
-eyeliner
-rubber bracelets
-rainbow stuff
-hugs
-cute underwear
-randomness
-love
-cuddling
-dancing like no oe is watching
-making out
-gay pride
-safety pins
-concerts
-red roses
-pj pants
-taking pictures
-bright colors
-sharpies
-true friends
-gummy worms
-green slushies
-iced mochas
Friday, November 5, 2010
High School... ?
My school asked the senior class to evaluate their high school Experience.
heres what i wanted to write...
Freshman year- i learned about backstabbers, liars "so-called" friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, jealous bitches, and heartbreak.
Sophmore year- hiding from the police, more drugs (pot) and alcohol, physical, mental, verbal, and emotional dating abuse.
Junior year- losing the love of my life, dating the most popular guy in school, reuniting with old friends, losing a best friend, and again, more drugs and alcohol. then finally taking it seriously and doing my work second half of the year.
Senior year- Pregnancy... :( ... losing my unborn child.... so far thats all.
heres what i wanted to write...
Freshman year- i learned about backstabbers, liars "so-called" friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, jealous bitches, and heartbreak.
Sophmore year- hiding from the police, more drugs (pot) and alcohol, physical, mental, verbal, and emotional dating abuse.
Junior year- losing the love of my life, dating the most popular guy in school, reuniting with old friends, losing a best friend, and again, more drugs and alcohol. then finally taking it seriously and doing my work second half of the year.
Senior year- Pregnancy... :( ... losing my unborn child.... so far thats all.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
its now or never
school starts soon. September 1st. im a senior this year. looking back at summer school and the second half of my junior year. i think im FINALLY mature enough to take this seriously. i worked hard. i got some credits back. i pray i dont relapse again like i did at the beginning of my junior year. i was doing great. then i got suspended for 3 days i believe it was. then it was all down hill from there. ill wake up on the last first day and think...
"well, it's now or never"
back to focusing on:
Tests
Quizes
SAT's
Projects
GPA
Homework
Study Guides
Finals
Grades
Essays
have a good last year
[Misfit-xoxo]
"well, it's now or never"
back to focusing on:
Tests
Quizes
SAT's
Projects
GPA
Homework
Study Guides
Finals
Grades
Essays
have a good last year
[Misfit-xoxo]
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Get out of my head
just woke up about 20 minutes ago from another dream...
this one was... well.. alot of things...
weird
scary (in a sense)
better
it made me kinda scared in the beginning. but, as it went on, it made me feel soooo happy. that must be why i remembered it so easily...
it was weird because it was a little dance type thing in which people assigned you a person to dance with. the girls had to wear dresses and heels. the guys, tuxedo's. as i looked in a mirror at myself, i was wearing this beauiful long, white, flowing gown and pretty white heels. my hair was curled in a very pretty way, and i had these gorgeous diamond earrings in. then they gave us these cards that had the person we were suppose to dance with. my eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets when i saw the name on my card. all his friends were there (his girlfiends anyway), not to dance, but to watch all the people dance. i walked into the grand ballroom of wherever the hell i was, and i saw him standing there with the 3 of them. i kind of just stood in the doorway, i was afraid if i walked over acting all happy to see him and be in his arms, they'd just, tell me off, or something. the song "midnight the stars and you" started to play. he looked over at me, i just stood there in silence, then i half-smiled at him and half-waved. he waved me over to them. i calmly walked over. those three just looked at me. and again, i just stood there. he looked at me, and then at them and said, "now you can finally see us together" he took my hand and led me to the dance floor. we started slow dancing. i lokked back over at those 3 girls for a second, and to my surprise, they all smiled and waved at me. i looked at him, he was smiling and he was in tears, but smiling at the same time. still holding me in his arms he said "i love you, i want you back" i burst into tears.
then i just had to fucking wake up! >:'(
this one was... well.. alot of things...
weird
scary (in a sense)
better
it made me kinda scared in the beginning. but, as it went on, it made me feel soooo happy. that must be why i remembered it so easily...
it was weird because it was a little dance type thing in which people assigned you a person to dance with. the girls had to wear dresses and heels. the guys, tuxedo's. as i looked in a mirror at myself, i was wearing this beauiful long, white, flowing gown and pretty white heels. my hair was curled in a very pretty way, and i had these gorgeous diamond earrings in. then they gave us these cards that had the person we were suppose to dance with. my eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets when i saw the name on my card. all his friends were there (his girlfiends anyway), not to dance, but to watch all the people dance. i walked into the grand ballroom of wherever the hell i was, and i saw him standing there with the 3 of them. i kind of just stood in the doorway, i was afraid if i walked over acting all happy to see him and be in his arms, they'd just, tell me off, or something. the song "midnight the stars and you" started to play. he looked over at me, i just stood there in silence, then i half-smiled at him and half-waved. he waved me over to them. i calmly walked over. those three just looked at me. and again, i just stood there. he looked at me, and then at them and said, "now you can finally see us together" he took my hand and led me to the dance floor. we started slow dancing. i lokked back over at those 3 girls for a second, and to my surprise, they all smiled and waved at me. i looked at him, he was smiling and he was in tears, but smiling at the same time. still holding me in his arms he said "i love you, i want you back" i burst into tears.
then i just had to fucking wake up! >:'(
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
if we have the same dreams, we share the same nightmares
it's almost 4am in Laconia, NH. i woke up a little while ago from
a dream?
or maybe a nightmare?
I'm not sure what to call it. you be the judge...
i only remember bits and pieces of it. the 1st part i remember is this girl had a gun while we were sitting in class. she pulled it out and pointed it at me. my friends were telling me she was gonna perform a school shooting. i coward in fear as she kept pointing the gun at me. the next part i remember is my ex-best friend Tatiana and i were talking, and then me and her were on the floor and i was hugging her, then my ex-wife tasha came over, put her hand on my shoulder and then said "Audi, thank you" i knew what she was trying to do. then her and tatsi walked up one of the hallways at Laconia high school hoding hands, not sure why i did but i ran after them and tore there hands apart. i had tatianas hand in one, and tashas hand in the other. then me, tatsi, and her boyfriend Travis were walking up the stairwells, and i found a $50. so i grabbed it. and then travis was like "I think thats ulyssys, you should probably give it to me and i'll give it to him" for some reason i kinda believed him...
then i woke up and looked at the clock
a dream?
or maybe a nightmare?
I'm not sure what to call it. you be the judge...
i only remember bits and pieces of it. the 1st part i remember is this girl had a gun while we were sitting in class. she pulled it out and pointed it at me. my friends were telling me she was gonna perform a school shooting. i coward in fear as she kept pointing the gun at me. the next part i remember is my ex-best friend Tatiana and i were talking, and then me and her were on the floor and i was hugging her, then my ex-wife tasha came over, put her hand on my shoulder and then said "Audi, thank you" i knew what she was trying to do. then her and tatsi walked up one of the hallways at Laconia high school hoding hands, not sure why i did but i ran after them and tore there hands apart. i had tatianas hand in one, and tashas hand in the other. then me, tatsi, and her boyfriend Travis were walking up the stairwells, and i found a $50. so i grabbed it. and then travis was like "I think thats ulyssys, you should probably give it to me and i'll give it to him" for some reason i kinda believed him...
then i woke up and looked at the clock
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Halloween
how i love you...
you make me come to life. its not just nighttime. the day is amazing as well. every year, i put on the costume i picked out. and just walk around downtown. if it's a school day i just put it on when i get home. i especially love the season in which you fall in. fall... when Halloween night finally hits when the sun comes down. i always trick-or-treat. last year it was raining :/ but i still had fun. im hoping this year it will be an unusually warm Halloween, with a full moon, the sound of leaves scraping against the streets and sidewalks.
that would be perrfecct :)
you make me come to life. its not just nighttime. the day is amazing as well. every year, i put on the costume i picked out. and just walk around downtown. if it's a school day i just put it on when i get home. i especially love the season in which you fall in. fall... when Halloween night finally hits when the sun comes down. i always trick-or-treat. last year it was raining :/ but i still had fun. im hoping this year it will be an unusually warm Halloween, with a full moon, the sound of leaves scraping against the streets and sidewalks.
that would be perrfecct :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Pretty Little Liars
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells…
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
[spoken]
Aleana?
Yes, Audi?
I have something I want to tell you, but
you have to promise to never tell anyone.
I promise
Do you swear on your life?
I swear on my life
[end spoken]
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is…. Dead.
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…
Why do you smile
Like you have told a secret
Now you're telling lies
Cause you're the one to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
Why when we do our darkest deeds
Do we tell?
They burn in our brains
Become a living hell
Cause everyone tells
Everyone tells…
Look into my eyes
Now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized
By secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
[spoken]
Aleana?
Yes, Audi?
I have something I want to tell you, but
you have to promise to never tell anyone.
I promise
Do you swear on your life?
I swear on my life
[end spoken]
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
You swore you'd never tell…
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…
Yes two can keep a secret
If one of us is…. Dead.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Almost there
My junior year is coming to an end. what i need more than anything right now, is motivation, and concentration. i have to take two summer school courses, 2 elective online courses, 488 hours of community service, 2 night school courses, plus the 8 i have to do for senior year. then i'll have all the credits i need to graduate. well, i'll have one more than i need. i need 24, i'll have 25 on my graduation day. it's good to know im half way there... =)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
My Boys
Ulyssys L. Martinez && Alec L. Hein<3
Ulyssys,
i am extremely proud of you! tomorrows the day you graduate, but also the 5 year anniversary of mom's death. but, were still gonna try to make it a kickass day :) i know me and you have our moments, but the good times we have out weigh the bad times by far. i cant wait to see you get an oscar for directing a movie. you have some great ideas for em'. well idk what else to say except, i love you very much<3 :)
love your baby sister,
Audi
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sickkk
Hopefully this blog will help me feel a tad bit better. at the moment im feeling sick to my stomach. i don't really know why. maybe it was the breakfast sandwich i ate this morning? or the lack of sleep? or maybe both? whatever it is. i hate it... i really wanna go home and lay in my bed til i feel better. but thats not an option. i need to focus on school. i'm taking a break with Alec at the moment. told him last night. simply because i can't have any distractions. especially if i plan on graduating next year. i wish there was some magic pill i could take so i wouldnt feel sick anymore, be more awake and alert, and make me focus. but until that kind of medical break through comes out... im fucked....
Monday, May 3, 2010
Me
my hands are not soft, but they can serve.
my body not so beautiful, but it is strong.
my lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth.
love is not an art to me, it is life to me.
i am not dressed in gold and fine linen, strength and honor are my clothing.
i can offer you little, but i offer all i have.
if you have little, but nothing, nothing is more to me than gold from others.
you would fill the emptiness of my heart, but not all of it.
do not be jealous of a memory....
my body not so beautiful, but it is strong.
my lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth.
love is not an art to me, it is life to me.
i am not dressed in gold and fine linen, strength and honor are my clothing.
i can offer you little, but i offer all i have.
if you have little, but nothing, nothing is more to me than gold from others.
you would fill the emptiness of my heart, but not all of it.
do not be jealous of a memory....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Grrrr >:[
Yesterday was perfect... i fell asleep around 10:30 the night before, woke up without problem, went to all my classes, then came home. i admit i was upset when report cards came. but i changed my grades so i wouldn tget screamed at by my dad. i thought he checked them. i hung out with Joe Sanborn, Aleana Hasleton, Alan Cote, and of course, Alec<3. i finally learned how ta skateboard =). but when i woke up this morning it kinda drifted away. my dad didnt check my report card yet. (hopefully he buys the changed grades). and we had a lockdown because some kid was seen walking to school with a gun. omg i was in the library having a panic attack!! especially since yesterday was the 11th anniversary of columbine... i was like "im screwed, they always go ta the library first".
Friday, April 9, 2010
just bitching lol
ok so let me get this straight...
you supposedly love me?...
and would do anything for me?..
well then let me ask you this....
why the fuck would you let them do that too me?!?!?
why would you let them tare me apart like that?!
i love you too death...
but i absolutely fucking hate you for this..
i make one mistake.. and all hell brakes loose
Megan was right "if Alec really loved you as much as
he says he does, he wouldnt let his friends hurt you"
finally you help me...
after days of me begging for your help.
you decided,
"im gonna let her suffer"
why???
to teach me a lesson???
what fucking lesson was that suppose to be Alec?
"i want you to pay for breaking my heart"
im fucking sorry i did.
i begged for you back that night
but no, you sicked the dogs on me,
all fucking 3 of them.....
after you did that..
i often question how much you love me....
if you even do at all
you supposedly love me?...
and would do anything for me?..
well then let me ask you this....
why the fuck would you let them do that too me?!?!?
why would you let them tare me apart like that?!
i love you too death...
but i absolutely fucking hate you for this..
i make one mistake.. and all hell brakes loose
Megan was right "if Alec really loved you as much as
he says he does, he wouldnt let his friends hurt you"
finally you help me...
after days of me begging for your help.
you decided,
"im gonna let her suffer"
why???
to teach me a lesson???
what fucking lesson was that suppose to be Alec?
"i want you to pay for breaking my heart"
im fucking sorry i did.
i begged for you back that night
but no, you sicked the dogs on me,
all fucking 3 of them.....
after you did that..
i often question how much you love me....
if you even do at all
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
finally...
i've made up my mind, im going in to the army.
im going in for nursing. i honestly can't wait! :)
i have to go to basic training in texas for 8 weeks over the
summer after i graduate...
im soooo pumped!!!!
im going in for nursing. i honestly can't wait! :)
i have to go to basic training in texas for 8 weeks over the
summer after i graduate...
im soooo pumped!!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Too... her
there's this girl i once knew...
I'm not gonna say her name but
i think she'll know its her I'm taking about..
she was so cool when i first started talking to her. i didn't really like her at first but, as i got to know her, i found out that she was pretty ballin =). I'd talk to her for the longest time. about the most random things. ha ha i remember once we had a texting battle over which town sucked more, mine or hers. she told me a very huge secret once, which i always keep secrets that friends tell me. she also told me that she felt like i was one of the few people she could trust. i thought she was so perfect. with her blue eyes and blonde hair... which was another reason i liked her... i envyed her blue eyes<3.> and did something I'll always regret.. i left her i wicked fucked up comment on a picture of hers on myspace. i swear i will regret that for the rest of my life. needless to say she was pretty pissed. she hated me afterwards... not a day goes by that i don't miss her. so too you...
if you gave me another chance...
i would crawl on my belly through hot
coals and broken Glass just to prove to you
how much you meant to me...
i miss you :(
I'm not gonna say her name but
i think she'll know its her I'm taking about..
she was so cool when i first started talking to her. i didn't really like her at first but, as i got to know her, i found out that she was pretty ballin =). I'd talk to her for the longest time. about the most random things. ha ha i remember once we had a texting battle over which town sucked more, mine or hers. she told me a very huge secret once, which i always keep secrets that friends tell me. she also told me that she felt like i was one of the few people she could trust. i thought she was so perfect. with her blue eyes and blonde hair... which was another reason i liked her... i envyed her blue eyes<3.> and did something I'll always regret.. i left her i wicked fucked up comment on a picture of hers on myspace. i swear i will regret that for the rest of my life. needless to say she was pretty pissed. she hated me afterwards... not a day goes by that i don't miss her. so too you...
if you gave me another chance...
i would crawl on my belly through hot
coals and broken Glass just to prove to you
how much you meant to me...
i miss you :(
Thursday, March 11, 2010
miss you:'(
i wrote this for him after he died... was gonna leave it on his hollywood star, when i went to his wake, but id rather do this.
Dear Michael,
goodness what i would say to you if you were alive. first of all i love you, have since i was around 3 or 4. i remember trying to dance like you when i first saw thriller with my mommy. you've probably met her by now. shes up there in heaven as well. i feel so bad for your babies. prince, paris, and blanket. my brother and i were the same age as paris and prince when our mom died. i know everything they're feeling. i remember when i met you in florida when i was 8. when i saw you coming out of that hotel i couldn't believe my eyes. thank god i was right up the street from my house or my momma woulda got worried. i walked up behind you and said (well just about screamed) "hey MJ!" you turned around, bent down to my height and looked at me through those infamous aviators and said "hey cutie" :'). the day i found out you died i was taking a nap at my ex boyfriend joeys house. i slept from 2 until about 9pm. when i got home mybrother told me you died. i said no farah fawcett died. he changed the channel to the news and i saw it was true. i cried that whole night and for the entire week after. i couldn't believe you went so fast. well idk what else to write except i love&&miss you so f***ing much!
R.I.P MJ :'(
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Whats left of my family
my family is off-balance... its the three of us. My father, my older brother ulyssys, and i. my mother passed away when i was 11, my brother was 12. the best way to describe us is separated. my brother lives in his room, my father in his, and me in mine, occasionally we'll be together in the kitchen or living room. here's my attempt at letting off some steam
my dad is my least favorite. he never likes things to happen. at the moment hes almost two weeks away from turning 52. he was born in Mexico. so i guess he believes that woman are slaves that do all the work and boys are princes. whenever my brother needed something.. scratch that.. wanted something.. my dad would get it for him. "dad i need a new pair of shoes", "dad i need a new pair of shorts", "dad i need a new pair of pants", and the list goes on. but when i need something.. like truly need it.. he freaks. its like, "hey dad, we're in an extremely tight money situation but of course your precious baby boy gets everything he wants". don't get me wrong i love my dad and all. but ulyssys always comes first. never me. like when ulyssys gets a new girlfriend. my dad could careless, but when i bring home a guy, its horrible. for instance i dumped Brian Bozek over February vacation, and started dating Alec Hein. he went mental. "YOUR NOT WITH BRIAN ANYMORE"?!?!?, "NOW THIS FUCKING LOSER IS YOUR BOYFRIEND"?!?!, i couldn't believe how blind he was. NEWS FLASH DADDY!:Brian never came over to see me anymore, Brian never texted me anymore, it was only the occasional "hey" in the hallway, and that was it. who's there everyday hanging out with me so i don't have to be alone? Alec!, who's always there when i need someone to cry on or talk to? Alec!. he says he wants me to be happy but when i find something that makes me the most happiest, he has to find the most fault with it. i guess that's why he didn't talk to me for a week. that really fucking mature of you. not talk to your daughter for a fucking week because shes finally happy.....
my mom was always my favorite. i guess its because every childhood memory i have, i can remember my dad screaming at her, or me, or occasionally ulyssys. granted she was a heroine addict. but she was still my mommy. when i was younger i couldnt really relate to my dad because he was always working nights and slept all day. so it was always me and my mommy. i don't really know why my mom was so important to me. maybe because she died right about the time when i was gonna need her the most.
my brother Ulyssys, o jesus, where to start with that kid? all i can say is it must be nice to be him. he always wins whatever fight were in. me and him have been to hell and back with the family. we've been bounced from Brockton,Mass (our original home from the day we were born until i was 8 and he was 9) to Port Charlotte, Florida for two years. which i loved. it was always warm year round, i had an in ground swimming pool, and best of all, i had the easiest time with school. when i was 10 and ulyssys was 11, we moved up to New Hampshire. i was so happy to be back up north. i thought "im home again"!, now that i think about it, i wanna go back to florida. ulyssys and i have been up here since. he's gonna be 18 in august and he's graduating in June. he works a a computer store right next to Laconia High School. but he's never really happy. i cant figure out why. i think it's because he feels some sort of feeling for my mom's death. sadnesss yes, but theres something else i cant quite put my finger on.
i love my family sometimes... when everythings going smoothly. but when somthing happens... we all separate...
my dad is my least favorite. he never likes things to happen. at the moment hes almost two weeks away from turning 52. he was born in Mexico. so i guess he believes that woman are slaves that do all the work and boys are princes. whenever my brother needed something.. scratch that.. wanted something.. my dad would get it for him. "dad i need a new pair of shoes", "dad i need a new pair of shorts", "dad i need a new pair of pants", and the list goes on. but when i need something.. like truly need it.. he freaks. its like, "hey dad, we're in an extremely tight money situation but of course your precious baby boy gets everything he wants". don't get me wrong i love my dad and all. but ulyssys always comes first. never me. like when ulyssys gets a new girlfriend. my dad could careless, but when i bring home a guy, its horrible. for instance i dumped Brian Bozek over February vacation, and started dating Alec Hein. he went mental. "YOUR NOT WITH BRIAN ANYMORE"?!?!?, "NOW THIS FUCKING LOSER IS YOUR BOYFRIEND"?!?!, i couldn't believe how blind he was. NEWS FLASH DADDY!:Brian never came over to see me anymore, Brian never texted me anymore, it was only the occasional "hey" in the hallway, and that was it. who's there everyday hanging out with me so i don't have to be alone? Alec!, who's always there when i need someone to cry on or talk to? Alec!. he says he wants me to be happy but when i find something that makes me the most happiest, he has to find the most fault with it. i guess that's why he didn't talk to me for a week. that really fucking mature of you. not talk to your daughter for a fucking week because shes finally happy.....
my mom was always my favorite. i guess its because every childhood memory i have, i can remember my dad screaming at her, or me, or occasionally ulyssys. granted she was a heroine addict. but she was still my mommy. when i was younger i couldnt really relate to my dad because he was always working nights and slept all day. so it was always me and my mommy. i don't really know why my mom was so important to me. maybe because she died right about the time when i was gonna need her the most.
my brother Ulyssys, o jesus, where to start with that kid? all i can say is it must be nice to be him. he always wins whatever fight were in. me and him have been to hell and back with the family. we've been bounced from Brockton,Mass (our original home from the day we were born until i was 8 and he was 9) to Port Charlotte, Florida for two years. which i loved. it was always warm year round, i had an in ground swimming pool, and best of all, i had the easiest time with school. when i was 10 and ulyssys was 11, we moved up to New Hampshire. i was so happy to be back up north. i thought "im home again"!, now that i think about it, i wanna go back to florida. ulyssys and i have been up here since. he's gonna be 18 in august and he's graduating in June. he works a a computer store right next to Laconia High School. but he's never really happy. i cant figure out why. i think it's because he feels some sort of feeling for my mom's death. sadnesss yes, but theres something else i cant quite put my finger on.
i love my family sometimes... when everythings going smoothly. but when somthing happens... we all separate...
Friday, February 19, 2010
To my friend...
your the best of the best,
my one true best friend,
no one else can make me laugh when
i dont even wanna smile,
how i envy you,
you never let anything get to you,
you've been to hell and back,
but you still keep your head up,
how do you do it?,
you have such a big heart after everything
you've been put through,
you deffinately know how to brighten
whatever situation your in....
I LOVE YOU<3
Friday, February 12, 2010
empty
I'm sitting in 1st block. kinda tired. were suppose to be working on a project but its too early in the morning for me. its Friday but I'm not my happy go lucky self, like all the other Fridays. the DCYF Lady's coming today to talk to my dad at 2:30. which means i cant have friends over. lately Ive been doing better academic wise. maybe because i don't skip anymore. i was listening to the song "graduation day" by head automatica. usually i get upset, but i actually felt kinda good inside. knowing I'm gonna pass all my classes is such a good feeling. i never had trouble with school when i was younger. in elementary school i was an honor roll student. but when i moved up north it all changed. i want that life back so bad. i wish i still lived in florida. it was warm year round and i had a much easier time with school. i cant wait for a day when i can relax and everything is right with the world (in mine at least)....
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
i dont know how to tell you
i love you alot...
but your not what I'm looking for...
i love the companionship we have...
but theres so much more that i want...
and theres so much more that i need...
i think i jumped into a relationship with you..
because i wanted to see what it would be like...
to be with someone like you...
i miss the guy that i was with before you...
but, i dont miss the way he treated me...
they all tell me "stay with him, hes treated you the best"...
but i honestly dont think i can...
im 50% for leaving you...
but 50% for staying with you...
i mostly wanna leave you out of guilt...
but i wanna stay with you out of love...
im so confussed...
i dont really know how to tell you
but your not what I'm looking for...
i love the companionship we have...
but theres so much more that i want...
and theres so much more that i need...
i think i jumped into a relationship with you..
because i wanted to see what it would be like...
to be with someone like you...
i miss the guy that i was with before you...
but, i dont miss the way he treated me...
they all tell me "stay with him, hes treated you the best"...
but i honestly dont think i can...
im 50% for leaving you...
but 50% for staying with you...
i mostly wanna leave you out of guilt...
but i wanna stay with you out of love...
im so confussed...
i dont really know how to tell you
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
folsom prison blues<3
I hear the train a comin'; it's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when.
I'm stuck at Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on.
But that train keeps rollin' on down to San Antone.
When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns."
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
When I hear that whistle blowin' I hang my head and cry.
I bet there's rich folk eatin' in a fancy dining car.
They're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a movin', and that's what tortures me.
Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move on over a little farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison, that's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away
-Johnny Cash-
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when.
I'm stuck at Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on.
But that train keeps rollin' on down to San Antone.
When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy; don't ever play with guns."
But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
When I hear that whistle blowin' I hang my head and cry.
I bet there's rich folk eatin' in a fancy dining car.
They're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a movin', and that's what tortures me.
Well, if they freed me from this prison, if that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move on over a little farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison, that's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle blow my blues away
-Johnny Cash-
new hope :')
so i talked to my guidance counselor today,
se informed me that im gonna pass 3 out of the
4 of my classes this semester,
which makes me feel a hell of alot better :)
and i got my schedule for next sememster,
i have america in crisis 1st block,
advanced health 2nd block,
algebra 1 3rd block,
and creative writing 4th<3333
all easy classes
once im passing all my classes,
i can start online courses,
and do night school courses to make up for
the classes i failed.
i think my luck is changing with graduation<3
se informed me that im gonna pass 3 out of the
4 of my classes this semester,
which makes me feel a hell of alot better :)
and i got my schedule for next sememster,
i have america in crisis 1st block,
advanced health 2nd block,
algebra 1 3rd block,
and creative writing 4th<3333
all easy classes
once im passing all my classes,
i can start online courses,
and do night school courses to make up for
the classes i failed.
i think my luck is changing with graduation<3
Monday, January 11, 2010
letting go?
its 9:24am in good ol' Laconia,NH.
im suppose to be in gym but i have a 93 in their
i dont think missing one class is going to matter
my best friends grandmother died yesterday morning,
it brought back such horrible memories,
i was thinking about the day my mom died,
i had stayed home from school the day before on a friday,
my grandfaher woke me up around 10ish that morning,
i looked at him,
he had tears in his eyes,
i asked "what happened"?
he replied "i have some bad news"
i asked "what'?
and he said the words that i had been dreading to hear my whole life,
"moms in heaven"....
i couldnt believe my ears,
i asked "WHAT'?!?!
he said "mom died"
i put my huggy pillow over my face and tears spilled out of my eyes like water.
that day my uncle took my brother Ulyssys, my cousin Gavin, and i out on his boat,
all i could think about was my mom,
i had cried that whole morning,
that whole night as well,
i just couldnt understand why she left me,
while i was still so young and needed her the most,
i kept thinking "was she scared when it happened"?
the whole rest of the week is such a blur now,
the day of my moms funeral wasnt bad in the beginning,
until my father, brother, me, and the rest of her side of the family were in the pues,
my father leaned over over and told me to tell god that we need help,
after that point the tears were like a waterfall.
when we got homei got two cards from my classmates,
they all signed it and told me how sorry they were,
i cant believe its been almost 5 years now.....
im suppose to be in gym but i have a 93 in their
i dont think missing one class is going to matter
my best friends grandmother died yesterday morning,
it brought back such horrible memories,
i was thinking about the day my mom died,
i had stayed home from school the day before on a friday,
my grandfaher woke me up around 10ish that morning,
i looked at him,
he had tears in his eyes,
i asked "what happened"?
he replied "i have some bad news"
i asked "what'?
and he said the words that i had been dreading to hear my whole life,
"moms in heaven"....
i couldnt believe my ears,
i asked "WHAT'?!?!
he said "mom died"
i put my huggy pillow over my face and tears spilled out of my eyes like water.
that day my uncle took my brother Ulyssys, my cousin Gavin, and i out on his boat,
all i could think about was my mom,
i had cried that whole morning,
that whole night as well,
i just couldnt understand why she left me,
while i was still so young and needed her the most,
i kept thinking "was she scared when it happened"?
the whole rest of the week is such a blur now,
the day of my moms funeral wasnt bad in the beginning,
until my father, brother, me, and the rest of her side of the family were in the pues,
my father leaned over over and told me to tell god that we need help,
after that point the tears were like a waterfall.
when we got homei got two cards from my classmates,
they all signed it and told me how sorry they were,
i cant believe its been almost 5 years now.....
Friday, January 8, 2010
nightmare or dream?
i had a dream last night, that i graduated high school, it was so beautiful, i had a certain glow coming off me, me in my white cap and gown, my grandparents were crying because they were so proud, there was picture taking, my brother was so proud of me, i even looked up into the sky and saw my mother smiling upon me, like a ray of sunshine, it was finally my turn to be recognized for a major accomplishment
then i woke up....
then i woke up....
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
to the girl that i called Butterfly...
she was grace,
in name and in esscence,
everything id ever wanted in a girl,
was all wrapped up in her,
when i first met her i thought,
"where have you been all my life"?
i eventually asked her to be mine,
to my surprise,
she said yes =),
i was ecstatic of course,
for about a week or so,
she would fall asleep right next to me,
i'd wake up everymorning to her glowing green eyes :),
until the day came,
when she decided to move in with a mutual friend,
i was devistated,
but i knew id see her at school everyday,
which made me feel kind of better,
i started to notice that she wasnt happy with her living arrangements,
i told her she never had to leave and more than welcomed her back into my home,
she said no...
now my beautiful buttterfly,
has spread her delecate broken wings,
and flown away from me (2,000 miles to be exact),
she is still mine,
but little does she know that when she went back to washington,
along with her she took my heart.
i love&&miss her terriby :'(
Audriana<3's Natasha (Tosh:')
in name and in esscence,
everything id ever wanted in a girl,
was all wrapped up in her,
when i first met her i thought,
"where have you been all my life"?
i eventually asked her to be mine,
to my surprise,
she said yes =),
i was ecstatic of course,
for about a week or so,
she would fall asleep right next to me,
i'd wake up everymorning to her glowing green eyes :),
until the day came,
when she decided to move in with a mutual friend,
i was devistated,
but i knew id see her at school everyday,
which made me feel kind of better,
i started to notice that she wasnt happy with her living arrangements,
i told her she never had to leave and more than welcomed her back into my home,
she said no...
now my beautiful buttterfly,
has spread her delecate broken wings,
and flown away from me (2,000 miles to be exact),
she is still mine,
but little does she know that when she went back to washington,
along with her she took my heart.
i love&&miss her terriby :'(
Audriana<3's Natasha (Tosh:')
Monday, January 4, 2010
new beginnings
well this vacation was different...
christmas was very sad (to an extent)
a year ago joe was over my grandfathers house on christmas. we sent a picture of us to caitlin fantazzi. the day after christmas joe got my name tattooed on his neck. the day after that we drove down to mass to see my friends. he managed to ruin that for me as well.
i remember two years ago new years eve
me and my older brother ulyssys were at johns house, drinking and having a good time
a year ago i was in the arms of joe
this year i was falling asleep with brian right next too me, we kissed at mid-night<3
this is lauren writing now, audi loved joe with all her heart, and she didnt wanna walk out of that relationship with him thinking that she didnt love him, or she never tried, but in the end she couldnt handle everything that was coming down on her, joe breaking out windows, joe making her lie to the police in order to keep himself out of jail, it just got to be a huge burden that was finally lifted when she broke up with him the night before halloween, on nov,6th 09 brian finally started talking to her. brians a much better guy for her all around, he doesnt yell at her when she wants to hang out with her friends, or start world war 3 if she even looks at another guy.
in the end, we were all very happy that audi was done with joe... she deserves better
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