Blahhhh :(

So i looked up how long it could possibly take me to walk to his house, and then to tilton if his car isn't there.

3 FUCKING HOURS!

I am determined to shorten this time. No matter what i have to do (&& no i dont mean steal a car). I mean i will Run as fast as i can to Tilton, if his car is not in his drive way. My god i'm love sick :(

My 6 years of smoking Marlboro Red cigarettes WILL NOT slow me down now.

I've gone crazy

Good god :(

I think he changed his number. i tried to call him earlier and i got a message telling me the number is no longer available. I walked all the way to his house, his car wasn't there. I walked to his brother Michael's house, wasn't there either.

I decided to walk back over there at 4am today. If it still isn't there. Then i'm going to walk all the way to the Tanger outlets, to the Gap where he works, and hopefully he is working a morning shift and will be there. If not, well then i walked almost 8 miles, for nothing. Its a 16 minute drive. Who knows how long its gonna take me on foot.

If my father calls me asking where i am, i'm just going to tell him i didn't want to sleep all day and miss my 3 o'clock interveiw with Walgreens, so i went to the beach. Let's say JJ does have to work a morning shift, and i get there before he does. When i see his car pull in, i'm going to hide and surprise him. I will tell him "if you really want this to be over, then i will leave you alone." i'm hoping that he will realize that i walked all over the place looking for him last night, and i walked on the fucking highway at 4 in the morning. Just to see him.

I must've lost my mind to do this... or maybe... its love :(

Something? Finally?

I cannot understand for the life of me, why people with alot of money look down on the less fortunate. They focus on material things (usually expensive) and they believe that by having these material things, they are above everyone else. There is a beauty beyond the senses. Beauty like the quiet of green valleys and still waters. Beauty of the spirit that they wouldn't understand.

My family however, we are just barely getting by. Day after day, year after year, century after century, bondage without rest, coil without reward, we are the children of misery, the afflicted, and the oppressed. the rich are the high class, have everything handed to them, never have to work for it. God made men, and gave them dominion over all things on earth. In today's life, the weak are made to serve the strong. The conquered are made to serve the conquerors.

He gave them also, the power to choose between good and evil. In my eyes, i see the evil that man should turn their people into beasts of burden, to slave and suffer in anguish , to be stripped of spirit, hope, and faith. Only because we are of a different race, a different creed, and a poor family. If there is a God, he did not mean this to be so.

The government makes laws that they believe are correct. But they arent. Millions of people sick, starving, and even dying, beacause they have no money to provide for themselves. Man should be ruled by law, not the will of other men. May the hand of God strike them, they rot our bodies, steal hope from our souls, we are not animals, we are humans, made in the image of god.


All the girls who have money, are like jewels, A jewel has brilliant fire, but it gives no warmth. They drive expensive cars, wear expensive clothes, jewelry, get expensive manicures and pediures, etc. and look down on other girls. My hands are not so soft, but they can serve. My body not so white, but it is strong. My lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth. Love is not an art to me; it’s life to me. i am not dressed in gold and fine linen. Strength and honor are my clothing. My house is not the columned halls of Egypt, but my children will play happily before it. i can offer you little, but i offer all i have.

I can neither bless nor curse this power that moves me, for i do not know from where it comes. Each night brings the black embrace of loneliness, in the mocking whisper of the wind i hear the ehoing voies of the dark.

Oh Dear :(

Here it comes again, That feeling of slipping away.. Into the darkest of dark. Even when the sun shines brightly in the sky. Inside me, Theres nothing but black. I haven't felt this way in months. I thought my days of sadness were over. I was so happy when the day came, for my tears to go away. Val was my best friend, JJ told me he loved me, I was doing great in school, everything was so perfect. I got close with his cousin Becca, his family liked me. Except for Tyler but Tyler's just a wet mop. Now, i am back to square one. Nothing to look forward to, His family hates me, Val is too busy for me, and in a way, i feel like i have lost JJ. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Not they way i wanted it to go. Why? When i finally had everything i needed, It all got viciously snatched away, out of my grasp.

I didn't want to go back into the dark, but i was sucked back in. I hate feeling like this, i'm so tired of trying to fight it. I worked so hard to get to where i was. I don't feel anything, i'm numb, half alive if you will. I do not want feel like this, im starting to feel distant again, the distance i felt so many months ago, from the things i cherished the most. I cry at the thought of all this. It's so painful, i thought it was all over, that things would start changing for me. But they aren't. Nothing makes me feel better, Not cutting, Not cigarettes, nothing.

I heard a qoute in one of my favorite movies:
"The one who once walked with Kings now walks alone, learning that it can be more painful to live than to die."
That is exactly how i feel right now. Beaten into the dust from which i came. I cannot cool the burning kiss of death on my lips. Not suicide, no never, this (without a doubt in my mind) will slowly kill me. i sometimes hope that it will. My (twin) cousin in Mexico, Tany, told me "Audi, you are too young to be this sad, you don't deserve any of this, be strong prima<3" But, i don't think i can be strong, all of my strength is almost gone, from trying to fight this off for so long. So long, that i'm starting to believe that i do deserve this pain, misery, sadness, and heartache. I cry at night sometimes, and ask god what i did to deserve this hand that i was dealt. i never get an answer back.

Something out there, must be the antidote that i have been searching for. Something to let me know that i will recover, Something to help me, Something to let me know i am not alone. I pray for a solution, that may never come.

Magic beyond words

... So beautiful, Even in death, That the dwarfs could not find it in their hearts to bury her..

...They fashioned a coffin of glass and gold, and kept eternal vigil at her side...

...The Prince who had searched far and wide, heard of the maiden who slept in the glass coffin.


I fucking love Snow White<3

Destination: ?

I really wish I had a job. I get so jealous when I hear people talk about work. Good or bad day. I feel like such a loser because all I do is eat, sleep and smoke cigarettes. I really hate where my life is heading. I want a job so Ivan actually go places, have nice clothes, be able to buy a pack of cigarettes without digging through my change holder. It's getting ridiculous and I'm getting more and more desperate. If anyone has any advice for me.. For the love of god tell me. I'm on facebook, text me, or just leave me a comment.
Audriana-xoxo

Hello there

Wow.. i havent been on here in a while. Really missed it.

i'll get right to the point.

I graduated High School =)

Step two: get a job!
i can't find one. There is no work where i live. There's work in Tilton but i need a car to get there. i DO NOT want to rely on people anymore. Maybe when i was in high school i didn't really care. But, now i feel an intense feeling to do things on my own. i need to move out of Laconia. there is pretty much nothing for me here. Ugh. Cabin fever && Wanderlust at their worst.

Senior Year =)

Best year so far<3 i will be crying on my Graduation day :) No one in my family thought i would finish high school. which i can't blame them for because i was a little punk my freshman, sophmore and first half of my junior year. i am taking so many pictures that day. Ulyssys said he's gonna take some with his new $1,000 camera that he got for school =) Its literally.. a dream come true! :) Congratulations to the Graduating class of 2011<3

in my next life

In my next life:
• My eyes will be a piercing color of blue
• My hair a dirty blonde color
• My boobs will be bigger
• I wont have celulite
• I’ll have both mommy and daddy
• I’ll be 5’9”
• My skin a perfect tan glow year round
• My life won’t be so fucking complicated…


But then I snap back to reality:
• My eyes are brown
• My hair is fucked
• My boobs are small for my size
• Im a little chubby
• I only have my dad
• Im 5’3”
• Im white as ghost all fucking year
• And my life will always have tremendous complications…

Im fucked… 8[

it's offfical

Wtf just happened? i thought you were over all that. i really did. i thought you were finally gonna treat me like a human being && your daughter, instead of yell at me like a fucking dog. but as usual, i was wrong.. DEAD wrong. Yes, i will admit when i was younger, i was very stupid when it came to boys. i will admit i couldn't be trusted when i was younger, because i was always up to something. But, i am 17 now, i have the best grades i've had in years, im graduating high school in June, i'm always home on time, and i do everything under the sun to make up for the mistakes i've made in the past. Did you really just have to give me a speech telling me how stupid i am && how i cant be trusted? Well dad, i guess im not good enough for you. i just want to know what makes Ulyssys so much better than me. is it because your not my real dad? is it because he's a boy? is it because you love him more than me? the thought of all this just shatters my heart. i love you so much, i respect everything about you. but apparently you don't love me back. that really hurts me. you always told me "don't trust what men say" i guess that counts for you too. It's offoicial, i've made up my mind. I am working from March 2011, until November 2011, and saving every penny i earn. just to get away from you, i dont care if i have to live Grampa. At least he loves me. he always trusted me, and when i made a mistake he would TALK to me about it, and let me know that what i did was wrong. not SCREAM at me, like i was a fucking dog. i can't live with you and Ulyssys anymore, simply because i can't live with people that hate me.

Who do you think you are?

No I can't take one more step towards you, Cause all that's waiting is regret, And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half-alive And now you want me one more time And who do you think you are? Runnin' round leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts, And tearing love apart, You're gonna catch a cold,From the ice inside your soul, So don't come back for me. I hear you're asking all around, If I am anywhere to be found, But I have grown too strong, To ever fall back in your arms. It took so long just to feel alright, Remember how to put back the light in my eyes, I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, Cause you broke all your promises, And now you're back, You don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?

Why so immature?

Yes i realize your hurt, i understand how horrible heartbreak feels. But, you really don't have to say things like "I'm gonna fucking kill you" or "I'm gonna make your life hell". there is really no need for it. i could be saying things right back to you, but i don't want to stoop to your level. i honestly hope with all my heart, that you find happiness. i hope you start going out with her, and just forget all about me. that's all i ask. i wish you nothing but the best. i really do. i just don't understand why you have to keep harassing and threatening me and my boyfriend. if this continues, I'm going to call the police. i really want you to grow up and handle this like an adult, but if that is too much for you too handle, then I'm sorry. Oh and btw, i don't care what you and her have to say about me, if you are that obsessed with me that you both have to talk about me all the time, good or bad, its up to you. i would still love to be your friend, but no, you have to act like a 5 year old and have a fucking temper tantrum when you can't get what you want. i could be bitching because my older brother is still friends with you, but im not gonna do that, simply because i love my brother and i want him to be happy. becau8se that is what adults do! i'm honestly sick of all of it. So on that note, have a beautiful life, and keep smiling :)

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
there's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

Your amazing!

i've never felt more happy, or safe, with anybody but you. Something about you, just makes me feel important, special, needed, wanted, and protected. all your friends love me, which is a plus, lol. i can't go a day without seeing you. it's almost like hunger, and endless aching need. i never thought i could love a man some much. i'm extremely surprised that you picked me. out of everybody in the world, you chose me. something about you just tells me that everything is going to be ok. your the kind of guy that would laugh at me when i fall, but help me up and whisper "it's ok, i love you" :)I am selfish, i want you all to myself. &&When im with you. thats where i belong. && i honestly have to say thats the only place i wanna be.