So.. It begins

Anticipation. Making me wait.
Ugh this wait is gonna kill me. I'm so excited to go to Mexico, that the days seem to drag on forever. I only have like 58 more days until we go. I wish i could just sleep until like the last week of April. The last week of April because then i'll only have 3 weeks left until we go.
If anyone knows a good way to pass time faster, please let me know.
My original idea was buy like a ton of sleeping pills, Sleep the days away && only get up to eat, shower, get coffee with my Grampa && tan. I'd only have to do it for 33 days from now on. Not including sundays.
At least i'd save cigarettes because i wouldn't be awake to smoke them. well i'll figure it out some how.

Mexico Baby!

May 18th,2012 at 7:00 am My father, My brother and i are getting in my grampas car, hes driving us down to Boston at 2am, getting there at 4 am, going through all the check points, Then at 7am, Our flight is leaving for Guadalajara Mexico! Omg I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I've already started planning everything I'm taking, who i am going to see (in person) the day (or) night before i go. But, i have to be in my house and asleep at like 5 or 6 pm so i can get up at midnight && start doing my hair && everything.

Were going down there to see my father's side of the family, Some of them Ulyssys && I have never even met, && others we've only seen like once or twice (&& that was when we were little kids. I'm dreaming about the day we get there! :) My favorite part is i haven't been on a plane since like summer before 8th grade like 6 years ago almost. I love airplanes when they take off and land :)

This Tuesday I'm paying for 12 visits at the tanning salon. I'm going Tuesday because as of Tuesday their will be 12 days left in March so i can go everyday. The April 1st I'm gonna pay for the 30 day package so i can go tanning everyday that month. Then may 1st i'm gonna pay for 12 more visits. Ha ha that's like 54 days of tanning. As you can imagine my family is dark skinned because of our Mexican heritage. So i really don't want to stick out like a sore thumb! Lol. && because May in Mexico is pretty warm so I'm gonna be wearing nothing but shorts and tank tops && all that stuff.

The day before i go I'm gonna go say goodbye to Val when she's at school. Tatsi if shes not working (or I'm gonna wait til she gets out) && most importantly I'm gonna go see JJ's brother, his wife, && their little baby girl Zaryssa <3 But if they're all at JJ's parents house that would be even better. Because i planned to go to JJ's to say goodbye to his parents at like 6 o'clock in the evening. BUT.... If JJ && one of his friends are there (lets say Tarance) I'm going to ignore JJ completely. Say goodbye to his parents, give them hugs, same with his brother, his brothers wife, Zaryssa, && Tarance too if i feel like it. Then when I'm about to leave, just be like "I'll be back in a week, I'll miss you guys, I'll be thinking about you guys" && lets say JJ decides not to be a dick and says "Hey wheres my goodbye" (puts his arms out like he wants a hug && smiles) I'm just gonna smile say "bye" && walk out the door, get in Grampas blazer, go home && go to bed :)

Ugh 63 more days!!!!! I Can't Waitttttt!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

We live in a jar and think the lid's the skyyy

I have a new plan..





I have a 34.5 oz Planter's Peanuts jar with a label that reads "If you fear change... Leave it here... :)" With said jar i'm going to cash it in when it gets about 3/4 of the way full (or completely full) for folding money which i will then add to my "Florida for the winter fund" (aka the nut fund). Its also known as the nut fund. I call it the nut fun sometimes because squirrels spend like the entire spring summer, and fall gathering nuts for the winter months so they can eat. Well there you have it. Haha.





Plus i'm still job searhing.. Not going well so far :(.


I think i'll keep updating my blog as to ow much money i have saved. Just as a little reminder to myself. The plane ticket costs about $390.00. Plus i'm gonna need money once i get down there for stuff like cigarettes, maybe some shopping while i'm down there. I'm staying with my aunt && uncle in Fort.Myers. My aunt Cindy to be more specific. She's my moms younger sister. As you may (or may not) know my mom died back in '05. So my aunt likes to have me around. Plus she's dieing from the same thing my mom died from.





I'm gonna be down there from i think December 2012 until April or May 2013. (Assuming the world doesn't end. haha). Just a wild guess. I'm thinking the cost (including the plane ticket && all this other noise.) The Grand total will most likely be around $1,000 or $1700. Hahahah good luck Audi, you dumbass. Ughhhhh! God please guide my steps!

Hell hounds are after me.

I trusted him once when i was 13... Got my heart broken to the point of suicide. But not enough that i wouldn't forgive him. Not to the point past forgiveness.

Stupidly, I give him a second chance at 17/18. Hahaha you idiot, Again got my heartbroken. Not to the point of suicide... But something much worse... To the point where my heart has grown cold.

I told my grandfather the day he broke up with me, January 6th, 2012. (Could it be? Really? just over a month ago?) That i am NOT interested in dating anymore! I DO NOT want a husband or anything of that matter, Because the ONLY one that i did want... For almost 6 years, longer than i have had feelings for anyone... Just woke up one day and decided.. "I'm never going to talk to her again, Just kick her to the curb." && what hurts the most is, He... Made it look... So... Easy.

Now, i have become what i have despised about him for years on end, Heartless. For 6 years i called him "The Heartbreaker." What has he done to me? Yes, this is partially my fault for trusting him. But the majority of it lies with him. For lieing to me. For buying me an engagment ring, proposing to me, pretty much super glueing me to his family, telling me he loved me, and then NEVER MEANING ANY OF IT! NOT A FUCKING WORD OF IT!

I just wanna ask him... Was this funny to you? Building up my hope, trust and then smashing them to pieces? TWICE?!? I hope you are very proud of what you have done to me. Twice you break my heart. I was once sweet, loving, trusting. But now, You have turned me into the girl version of yourself. Heartless, Bitter, && worst of all.. Cold. Thank you for everything you selfish cold-hearted unimaginable bastard!

"Listen to the rythym of the falling rain, Telling me just what a fool i've been, I wish that it would go and let me cry in vein, and let me be alone again. The only boy i care about has gone away, looking for a brand new start, but little does he know that when he left that day, along with him he took my heart. Rain, please tell me now does that seem fair? for him to steal my heart away when he don't care, I can't love another when my hearts somewhere far away"

I think this is going to be my hardest year... Oy :/

Well.. I'm back to square one. I worked for almost 5 months at a job i absolutely loved. Today Amanda tells me "Casey wants to talk to you." I leave the register and walk over to him. He says "Come up stairs, this will just take a minute." I follow him upstairs to the office. I walk in and my district manager is sitting their with this corporate guy. I said "Hello Mr.Quinn, How are you today?" He replies with "I'm alright Audriana, How are you?" "Not too bad" i said with a smile as i sat down. I introduced myself to the corporate guy, I dont quite recall his name. He says "Have a seat Audriana" I asked "what is this pertaining to?" He replies with "Well, as you know, the economy is in a rough spot" Right when he said that, i knew what was going on. I got the feeling in my throat right after you dry swallow a big pill, my stomach felt like it was going to fall out the back of me. I thought to myself silently "oh jesus no, please god no" He explained to me that they need to save jobs for people with kids, bills to pay, etc. He gave me my final paycheck as tears spilled out of my eyes like a waterfall. As i walked out of the office Casey gave me a hug and told me "Audriana, your a hardworker, where ever you end up they will be lucky to have you" I cried even harder after that. I walked out of Walgreens with my final paycheck, walked up the road aways to the soda shoppe, enjoyed some fries and a sprite, and waited for my grandfather to pick me up.

I loved my job. I felt blessed to have a good paying job that i liked. Everyone was so nice to me. I got a few snotty customers here and there, but i didn't mind them. It was pretty good pay for an 18 year old still living at home with no bills to pay. But i guess thats just the way life goes.

5 days after the new year begins, I Lose JJ... The Love Of My Life, My Husband To Be, The One I Dropped Everything For.
About a month and 9 days after that.. I Lose My Wonderful Job.

I am absolutely scared to death.. too ask the question... "What else is going to be snatched away from me?".. "Whats next?"

This year isn't looking good for me. They say everything happens for a reason... I would like to know the reason these two things happened to me now... I would prefer not to wait.

"Something to do with my hands" By Her Space Holiday.. Is gonna be on repeat on my ipod for a while. :(

God in heaven, Please send me some guidance.. Please

Life Contract

Wrote this is my private notebook on 11/21/2011 at 12:01am

I, Audriana Elizabeth Martinez, Born on October the 6th, 1993, from this day forward, do solemly swear, Not to have sex with, Kiss, Marry, Date, or have kids with anyone else except, Jonathan Lee Paquet JR., Born on, April the 12th, 1988. No matter what. This Contract includes both males and females, and has no experation date. I completely understand that JJ may never come back into my life, but i would much rather spend my life alone, than with anybody else but him

Print Name:________________________________________
Signature:_________________________________________
Date of Birth:_______________________________________
Place of Birth:_______________________________________

I signed it && everything.

I've made up my mid

I'm headed south. I cant do winter up here anymore... Thursday morning i woke up at 4 and ouldn't go back to sleep. So i just figured, i'll look up the weather for today. Laconia 28 degrees, snow showers, 4-6 inches. "Lovely" i thought to myself sarcasticlly. Then i thought "just for laughs, i'll look up the weather in Miami, Florida. Miami 85 degress, Mostly sunny with a few passing clouds. Lmao i was like, "why do i torture myself like this?!"





I think moving back to Florida would be a good idea in my case. Winter just isn't it for me anymore. I can do scorching heat no problem, But fierce cold winds slapping me in the face, thats another story entirely. Plus i think with my current situation with JJ and his family, getting out of this state is deffinately a good idea. Just need to keep saving money. I'm already looking into apartments down there! Lol if i do end up living in Florida. I will be so happy. And who knows, if i come back for a visit after a few years, and JJ finds out i'm back in town..... I can tell him to kiss my ass right to his face.. Lmao i'm such a bitch :)... But then again, isnt everyone like that after they've been destroyed to a point past forgivness?

Fool me once

I hate this so much. We dated once when i was 13, he dumped me after 2 weeks then i tried to commit suicide over him. As you can see, it didnt work. I drank bleach while sitting fully clothed in a tub of warm water. i woke up in the hospital 2 days later. They had to perform emergency surgery on my vocal cords because they bleach melted them. i had to wear a neck brace for a little while before i could talk again. And after that i never really wanted to talk to him.
That happened at the beginning of my freshman year. 3 years later towards the end of my senior year. He texted me. Too make a long story short. I was so scared to even be around him again. But we hung out alot at his place and i could still feel that stupid feeling creeping its way back up to the surface, after i had buried it years ago. Finally, we slept together. I was just gonna "hit it and quit it" but i came to my senses and realized i couldnt do that. After more hanging out. He finally told me that he wanted to be with me. Like a fool, i took him back. The last 10 months of my life were amazing. But sadly he left me again.

I'm sensing a pattern here. He only texts me every couple of years. Well you know the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I'm not about to go for a third time so If he does text me a few years down the line and says "Oh i made a terrible mistake, i want you back" Im gonna tell him to kiss my ass. He lied to me. He bought me an engagement ring. Introduced me to his family, Pretty much sewed me into it. Then he just dumps me and doesnt even give me a straight answer when i ask why. I was gonna have a family, a mother, everything... Now its all been viciously snatched away.