So i looked up how long it could possibly take me to walk to his house, and then to tilton if his car isn't there.
3 FUCKING HOURS!
I am determined to shorten this time. No matter what i have to do (&& no i dont mean steal a car). I mean i will Run as fast as i can to Tilton, if his car is not in his drive way. My god i'm love sick :(
My 6 years of smoking Marlboro Red cigarettes WILL NOT slow me down now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
I've gone crazy
Good god :(
I think he changed his number. i tried to call him earlier and i got a message telling me the number is no longer available. I walked all the way to his house, his car wasn't there. I walked to his brother Michael's house, wasn't there either.
I decided to walk back over there at 4am today. If it still isn't there. Then i'm going to walk all the way to the Tanger outlets, to the Gap where he works, and hopefully he is working a morning shift and will be there. If not, well then i walked almost 8 miles, for nothing. Its a 16 minute drive. Who knows how long its gonna take me on foot.
If my father calls me asking where i am, i'm just going to tell him i didn't want to sleep all day and miss my 3 o'clock interveiw with Walgreens, so i went to the beach. Let's say JJ does have to work a morning shift, and i get there before he does. When i see his car pull in, i'm going to hide and surprise him. I will tell him "if you really want this to be over, then i will leave you alone." i'm hoping that he will realize that i walked all over the place looking for him last night, and i walked on the fucking highway at 4 in the morning. Just to see him.
I must've lost my mind to do this... or maybe... its love :(
I think he changed his number. i tried to call him earlier and i got a message telling me the number is no longer available. I walked all the way to his house, his car wasn't there. I walked to his brother Michael's house, wasn't there either.
I decided to walk back over there at 4am today. If it still isn't there. Then i'm going to walk all the way to the Tanger outlets, to the Gap where he works, and hopefully he is working a morning shift and will be there. If not, well then i walked almost 8 miles, for nothing. Its a 16 minute drive. Who knows how long its gonna take me on foot.
If my father calls me asking where i am, i'm just going to tell him i didn't want to sleep all day and miss my 3 o'clock interveiw with Walgreens, so i went to the beach. Let's say JJ does have to work a morning shift, and i get there before he does. When i see his car pull in, i'm going to hide and surprise him. I will tell him "if you really want this to be over, then i will leave you alone." i'm hoping that he will realize that i walked all over the place looking for him last night, and i walked on the fucking highway at 4 in the morning. Just to see him.
I must've lost my mind to do this... or maybe... its love :(
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Something? Finally?
I cannot understand for the life of me, why people with alot of money look down on the less fortunate. They focus on material things (usually expensive) and they believe that by having these material things, they are above everyone else. There is a beauty beyond the senses. Beauty like the quiet of green valleys and still waters. Beauty of the spirit that they wouldn't understand.
My family however, we are just barely getting by. Day after day, year after year, century after century, bondage without rest, coil without reward, we are the children of misery, the afflicted, and the oppressed. the rich are the high class, have everything handed to them, never have to work for it. God made men, and gave them dominion over all things on earth. In today's life, the weak are made to serve the strong. The conquered are made to serve the conquerors.
He gave them also, the power to choose between good and evil. In my eyes, i see the evil that man should turn their people into beasts of burden, to slave and suffer in anguish , to be stripped of spirit, hope, and faith. Only because we are of a different race, a different creed, and a poor family. If there is a God, he did not mean this to be so.
The government makes laws that they believe are correct. But they arent. Millions of people sick, starving, and even dying, beacause they have no money to provide for themselves. Man should be ruled by law, not the will of other men. May the hand of God strike them, they rot our bodies, steal hope from our souls, we are not animals, we are humans, made in the image of god.
All the girls who have money, are like jewels, A jewel has brilliant fire, but it gives no warmth. They drive expensive cars, wear expensive clothes, jewelry, get expensive manicures and pediures, etc. and look down on other girls. My hands are not so soft, but they can serve. My body not so white, but it is strong. My lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth. Love is not an art to me; it’s life to me. i am not dressed in gold and fine linen. Strength and honor are my clothing. My house is not the columned halls of Egypt, but my children will play happily before it. i can offer you little, but i offer all i have.
I can neither bless nor curse this power that moves me, for i do not know from where it comes. Each night brings the black embrace of loneliness, in the mocking whisper of the wind i hear the ehoing voies of the dark.
My family however, we are just barely getting by. Day after day, year after year, century after century, bondage without rest, coil without reward, we are the children of misery, the afflicted, and the oppressed. the rich are the high class, have everything handed to them, never have to work for it. God made men, and gave them dominion over all things on earth. In today's life, the weak are made to serve the strong. The conquered are made to serve the conquerors.
He gave them also, the power to choose between good and evil. In my eyes, i see the evil that man should turn their people into beasts of burden, to slave and suffer in anguish , to be stripped of spirit, hope, and faith. Only because we are of a different race, a different creed, and a poor family. If there is a God, he did not mean this to be so.
The government makes laws that they believe are correct. But they arent. Millions of people sick, starving, and even dying, beacause they have no money to provide for themselves. Man should be ruled by law, not the will of other men. May the hand of God strike them, they rot our bodies, steal hope from our souls, we are not animals, we are humans, made in the image of god.
All the girls who have money, are like jewels, A jewel has brilliant fire, but it gives no warmth. They drive expensive cars, wear expensive clothes, jewelry, get expensive manicures and pediures, etc. and look down on other girls. My hands are not so soft, but they can serve. My body not so white, but it is strong. My lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth. Love is not an art to me; it’s life to me. i am not dressed in gold and fine linen. Strength and honor are my clothing. My house is not the columned halls of Egypt, but my children will play happily before it. i can offer you little, but i offer all i have.
I can neither bless nor curse this power that moves me, for i do not know from where it comes. Each night brings the black embrace of loneliness, in the mocking whisper of the wind i hear the ehoing voies of the dark.
Oh Dear :(
Here it comes again, That feeling of slipping away.. Into the darkest of dark. Even when the sun shines brightly in the sky. Inside me, Theres nothing but black. I haven't felt this way in months. I thought my days of sadness were over. I was so happy when the day came, for my tears to go away. Val was my best friend, JJ told me he loved me, I was doing great in school, everything was so perfect. I got close with his cousin Becca, his family liked me. Except for Tyler but Tyler's just a wet mop. Now, i am back to square one. Nothing to look forward to, His family hates me, Val is too busy for me, and in a way, i feel like i have lost JJ. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Not they way i wanted it to go. Why? When i finally had everything i needed, It all got viciously snatched away, out of my grasp.
I didn't want to go back into the dark, but i was sucked back in. I hate feeling like this, i'm so tired of trying to fight it. I worked so hard to get to where i was. I don't feel anything, i'm numb, half alive if you will. I do not want feel like this, im starting to feel distant again, the distance i felt so many months ago, from the things i cherished the most. I cry at the thought of all this. It's so painful, i thought it was all over, that things would start changing for me. But they aren't. Nothing makes me feel better, Not cutting, Not cigarettes, nothing.
I heard a qoute in one of my favorite movies:
"The one who once walked with Kings now walks alone, learning that it can be more painful to live than to die."
That is exactly how i feel right now. Beaten into the dust from which i came. I cannot cool the burning kiss of death on my lips. Not suicide, no never, this (without a doubt in my mind) will slowly kill me. i sometimes hope that it will. My (twin) cousin in Mexico, Tany, told me "Audi, you are too young to be this sad, you don't deserve any of this, be strong prima<3" But, i don't think i can be strong, all of my strength is almost gone, from trying to fight this off for so long. So long, that i'm starting to believe that i do deserve this pain, misery, sadness, and heartache. I cry at night sometimes, and ask god what i did to deserve this hand that i was dealt. i never get an answer back.
Something out there, must be the antidote that i have been searching for. Something to let me know that i will recover, Something to help me, Something to let me know i am not alone. I pray for a solution, that may never come.
I didn't want to go back into the dark, but i was sucked back in. I hate feeling like this, i'm so tired of trying to fight it. I worked so hard to get to where i was. I don't feel anything, i'm numb, half alive if you will. I do not want feel like this, im starting to feel distant again, the distance i felt so many months ago, from the things i cherished the most. I cry at the thought of all this. It's so painful, i thought it was all over, that things would start changing for me. But they aren't. Nothing makes me feel better, Not cutting, Not cigarettes, nothing.
I heard a qoute in one of my favorite movies:
"The one who once walked with Kings now walks alone, learning that it can be more painful to live than to die."
That is exactly how i feel right now. Beaten into the dust from which i came. I cannot cool the burning kiss of death on my lips. Not suicide, no never, this (without a doubt in my mind) will slowly kill me. i sometimes hope that it will. My (twin) cousin in Mexico, Tany, told me "Audi, you are too young to be this sad, you don't deserve any of this, be strong prima<3" But, i don't think i can be strong, all of my strength is almost gone, from trying to fight this off for so long. So long, that i'm starting to believe that i do deserve this pain, misery, sadness, and heartache. I cry at night sometimes, and ask god what i did to deserve this hand that i was dealt. i never get an answer back.
Something out there, must be the antidote that i have been searching for. Something to let me know that i will recover, Something to help me, Something to let me know i am not alone. I pray for a solution, that may never come.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Magic beyond words
... So beautiful, Even in death, That the dwarfs could not find it in their hearts to bury her..
...They fashioned a coffin of glass and gold, and kept eternal vigil at her side...
...The Prince who had searched far and wide, heard of the maiden who slept in the glass coffin.
I fucking love Snow White<3
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