Oh Dear :(

Here it comes again, That feeling of slipping away.. Into the darkest of dark. Even when the sun shines brightly in the sky. Inside me, Theres nothing but black. I haven't felt this way in months. I thought my days of sadness were over. I was so happy when the day came, for my tears to go away. Val was my best friend, JJ told me he loved me, I was doing great in school, everything was so perfect. I got close with his cousin Becca, his family liked me. Except for Tyler but Tyler's just a wet mop. Now, i am back to square one. Nothing to look forward to, His family hates me, Val is too busy for me, and in a way, i feel like i have lost JJ. This isn't how it was suppose to be. Not they way i wanted it to go. Why? When i finally had everything i needed, It all got viciously snatched away, out of my grasp.

I didn't want to go back into the dark, but i was sucked back in. I hate feeling like this, i'm so tired of trying to fight it. I worked so hard to get to where i was. I don't feel anything, i'm numb, half alive if you will. I do not want feel like this, im starting to feel distant again, the distance i felt so many months ago, from the things i cherished the most. I cry at the thought of all this. It's so painful, i thought it was all over, that things would start changing for me. But they aren't. Nothing makes me feel better, Not cutting, Not cigarettes, nothing.

I heard a qoute in one of my favorite movies:
"The one who once walked with Kings now walks alone, learning that it can be more painful to live than to die."
That is exactly how i feel right now. Beaten into the dust from which i came. I cannot cool the burning kiss of death on my lips. Not suicide, no never, this (without a doubt in my mind) will slowly kill me. i sometimes hope that it will. My (twin) cousin in Mexico, Tany, told me "Audi, you are too young to be this sad, you don't deserve any of this, be strong prima<3" But, i don't think i can be strong, all of my strength is almost gone, from trying to fight this off for so long. So long, that i'm starting to believe that i do deserve this pain, misery, sadness, and heartache. I cry at night sometimes, and ask god what i did to deserve this hand that i was dealt. i never get an answer back.

Something out there, must be the antidote that i have been searching for. Something to let me know that i will recover, Something to help me, Something to let me know i am not alone. I pray for a solution, that may never come.